Dear Humans: Fighting

   I know this is going to be upsetting for some of you to hear, but after a certain age you are not supposed to physically fight people anymore.
   I'd say the cut-off age is 18.  Maybe, with some slack, 20.
   After that, you handle things either with your words, or with non-fighting actions, or by using the legal system.
   You don't fight them.
   (I'm going to repeat it one more time for all the Long Island lesbians:  After you become an adult, or the age where most other people become adults, YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO FIGHT ANYONE ANYMORE.  Just because you look like a 15 year old boy doesn't mean you should act like one.)

If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to comment.

Love, Juliet

Skillz

    Everyone has things they are good at and things they suck at.  Usually its a pretty random mix - but mine actually has a theme.  The theme is "Uselessness."  Basically, everything I am good at has no way of benefitting me in life.  If its impossible to make a living doing it, then I'll kick ass at it.  If you're competing against me in something where the skills required will never come in handy, ever, then you might as well forfeit now because you're going to lose. 

   Take, for example, Mini Golf.  I rarely play Mini Golf, but when I do play it I win.  By a lot.  Always.  If it were regular golf then yeah the chances of being good enough for the Pros are slim but at least its possible to play golf for a living. So how am I at regular golf?  Terrible.  Because being good at it can be beneficial. 

   I'm also really good at climbing, of which I believe (for adults definitely) I am in the top 1 or 2 percentile.  I can out-climb you in a climb-off any day.  I think its due to my body type (thin, long, unattractive.) But alas, we spend the vast majority of our waking hours on flat, even surfaces within close proximity of the ground.  So my monkey-like abilities are wasted.

   Oh I'm also really good at Archery, which I found out recently.  If I was living in 1500 BC I'd be thrilled. 

Poor Luigi

I feel bad for Luigi from Super Mario Bros.  Back in the day when I was growing up, Luigi only got to play if it was 2-player and you had a friend over at your house.  But it gets worse. The real issue here is that Luigi and his brother Mario are, together, known as "The Mario Brothers."

I have a sister named Lisa, and if people referred to the both of us as "The Lisa Sisters," or "The Super Lisa Sisters," I'd probably flip my shit.  Especially if I also lived in Super Lisa Land.  A therapist would have a field day with this Luigi guy.  

Wait- my friend just informed me that they are called The Mario Brothers because their last name is Mario. So Luigi's name is Luigi Mario?  So then Mario's full name is Mario Mario? Maybe I should be feeling bad for him instead.  I don't know but clearly the whole situation is fucked up.  I'd like to speak to the parents.

LIST: Top 5 Gayest Sounding Dog Breeds

5. Brussels Griffon
4. Soft Coated Wheaten Terrier
3. Cardigan Welsh Corgi
2. Cavalier King Charles Spaniel
1. Dandie Dinmont Terrier

You can drop it for 20 seconds

Dear Power 105.1,
     Hi.  We listen to your station at my job.  I wanted to let you know that it's ok to do the traffic reports in a normal, traffic-report-like manner. You don't have to make them sound cool.  I understand you are trying to appeal to a certain audience, but "Yo we got mad delays up on the southbound Meadowbrook Parkway" doesn't really work.
Just sayin'.

>Sincerely,
Juliet

She's watching me

I saw this ad on Facebook.  I kind of want to click on it but I'm home alone and its night time and I'm too creeped out.

P.S.  You get points if you noticed the quote instead of the apostrophe. 

P.P.S. You get double points if you can sleep tonight. 

LIST: TOP 6 CLUES THAT YOU'RE LAZY

(*Not that I've done these or anything...)

6. You've ashed your cigarette in at least ten things that aren't an ashtray
5. You try to throw something at your lightswitch to turn it off from your bed
4. You look for long items within reach (umbrella, etc) to use to push your door closed so you don't have to get up
3. You drank soda from a measuring cup because you didn't feel like doing dishes
2. You're working on a painting at your desk and realized you didn't put water in the cup to rinse off your brushes between colors- so you take some from your hamster's waterbottle because his cage is right there
1. You hear your dog in the other room possibly going through the trash- so you knock on the table knowing he'll run to the door barking and stop whatever he was doing

Psychic bitches be crazy

     Anyone who knows me pretty well will agree that I have something going on, and I'm not talking about my ravishing good looks.  I definitely have some kind of psychic ability- though I'm not sure what to call it or how to describe it.  But I got somethin'.  With an i, n, apostrophe. 

    So now that we got that out of the way, I've only recently started to give a shit so lately I've been trying to read up on psychicness for more information.

    So far I've learned two things:

    1) Clairvoyance or Claircognizance may be what I have, and 

2) Psychic people are out of their fucking minds.

    I'm serious.  I'm truly searching and I can't find one book, blog or essay that doesn't start like "I've always known ever since I was a young girl that I've once lived with dragons" or some crazy shit like that - ARE THERE NO NORMAL PSYCHIC PEOPLE??

    I'm not a super skeptic by any means either- I believe in a lot of stuff because basically, if you haven't noticed, this world we live in doesn't exactly make any sense.

    Yet, for some reason, I have this gut feeling that if you channel your unicorn spirit guide through your chakra you didn't get enough attention as a child.        

    So if you got something, if you know things but you don't know how, or you can read people and know things about them when you first meet them, or you can predict things, etc., yet you live a normal life that doesn't involve centaurs, HIT ME UP.  We'll make a facebook group.

The Best Webpage Ever. No words can describe.

Here it is:
Pixyland.org - Peter Pan's Webpage
     
     I found this website years and years ago- probably like in 2000 or 2001.  I'm happy to say that although the website has been getting more and more popular- (I think the guy, Randy Constan, has even appeared on TV talk shows since the creation of the site) the amazing low-budget feel of the pictures and site in general hasn't changed.  This is good, because its the low budgetness that makes it so fucking funny.
     I'd talk more about it, but as you'll soon see, its very difficult to describe and whatever you say in an effort to describe it does not do it justice.  Make sure you click on "Fashions" at the top- that's the best part.
    Its so weird - because some of the pictures of him in the different costumes are genuinely freaky-- usually just the way he poses for them and/or the faces he makes-- or his HANDS-- LOOK AT HOW HE POSITIONS HIS HANDS!!! But all in all I say good for him.  He has balls for doing what he wants to do and living this way if thats how he wants to live. You have to admit, its extremely refreshing to see someone just not give a shit what other people think, and put themselves out there like this. You go, Randy!


     I still wouldn't let him babysit my son or anything, though.

I know its weird, but I'm afraid of scary things.

     Although I love thunderstorms and when it rains really, really hard (the kind where you all gather around a window or go on the porch to watch it,) I enjoy it usually from within my house.  I prefer not to be out walking around in a thunderstorm, because lightning gives me agida.

     Whenever I tell someone this, I'm always met with a response like "What? You're afraid of lightning?" or "Are you REALLY?"

     Yes, I am really.  Do you know what lightning is? Are we talking about the same thing here?

      Because last time I checked, lightning was when a HUGE, UNPREDICTABLE BURST OF ELECTRIC CURRENT SHOOTS DOWN FROM THE SKY TO A RANDOM SPOT ON THE GROUND OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE AND ELECTRICUTES THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF WHATEVER HAPPENS TO BE THERE AT THAT MOMENT.

     I mean if you're talking about something else, that's fine.  But I'm talking about the thing I just described.

Still way too big

I'd rather listen to my music at home than lug that thing around with me.  I'm not a fucking body builder, Apple.

Can anyone interpret dreams?

     So last night I had a dream about cough muffins.  Cough muffins, according to the brain of yours truly, are like cough drops- - except they are muffins.  Yes.  You eat them and your throat feels better.  And they tasted like cough drops.  but they were muffins.  COUGH MUFFINS.

     I usually have very remarkably realistic and boring dreams- to a point where its almost embarrassing that my brain can't come up with anything better.  You know people will be like "I had the weirdest dream last night-- I was being chased by Frank Sinatra and I was flying and I had to keep kicking my feet so I wouldn't fall and both Sinatra and I were kind of like snowmen but at the same time we weren't--"  etc and I'm always like "Yeah I had this dream where I got up and went to work, had a normal day and came home."  BO-RING.  Or "I had this dream where I was sitting on my bed on the phone -- - that's it."

     So I'm kind of proud of my cough muffin thing.  Its definitely one of my favorites.

    Another good one was when I dreamt that David Duchovny had a thumb-toe-- and he was doing some show and walking around on stage barefoot and he just sort of folded the thumb toe over the top of his foot - and I remember thinking that was so cool of him to not care about it and do the show barefoot without being self conscious.

     I think my all time favorite though was when I dreamt that it was Abortion Day at Six Flags.  But the weird part (LOL cause Abortion Day at Six Flags isn't weird at all) was that the term "an abortion" in my dream also meant "a dozen," so, for instance, I had an abortion of tickets to abortion day at six flags, so myself and 11 others were going.

     YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP, PEOPLE.  Not consciously at least.