Send In The Clowns

    I am on a mission and I need your help.
    When I was little I was afraid of clowns.  Actually, yeah I was afraid of clowns, but more specifically I was afraid of "The Clowns."
    My Grandma had in her house these two clown faces that my Aunt had made from a mold and painted when she was little-  one was happy and one was sad (like the theatre masks)- they were about a foot tall and maybe 8 inches wide, somewhat three dimensional but with a flat back so they can be hung on the wall.  Same idea as this picture on the left, for the most part.
    About 6 or 7 years of my life were controlled by The Clowns. LOL.
    One thing about me that my close friends know is that I can go a very long time without peeing.  It totally comes in handy for car rides, etc, and works perfectly with my laziness since going to the bathroom often requires getting up from the comfortable position you're in.  Well the reason why I can go so long without peeing is this: for a good chunk of my childhood I would never use the bathroom at my Grandma's house because the bathroom was upstairs and so were The Clowns.  The Clowns weren't in the bathroom nor did you have to walk by them in order to get to the bathroom - but they can be seen from the top of the stairs where the bathroom was. And that was enough for me to never, ever relieve myself.  Ask me what my Grandma's bathroom looked like and I'll tell you I have no clue.
    You may be wondering why I didn't just tell my Grandma so she could take them down - but it wasn't that simple.  At some point, I don't remember what age, word got out that I was terrified of these things and my Grandma did take them down - and I'm sure that would have solved the problem for a normal child.  But my fear of The Clowns was so beyond rational that not having them hanging on the wall in their usual spots made things even worse because it meant they could be anywhere.  So basically I was afraid of going anywhere in the house at that point.
    Its funny because I have hardly thought about The Clowns at all since all of this.   My Grandma has since passed away and my Grandpa doesn't live in that house anymore, and I know for a fact that The Clowns were given to some rummage sale at the church I used to go to when the house was being cleared out (my sister saw them in a box and yelled "Jule! The Clowns are in here!"  I was 13 or 14 so I was entertained by her finding them but I still had no intention of going to see.)
    So now, 20 years later, all I want to do is find an image of these damn clowns. Thats where I need your help.
    I'm really curious to see what my reaction would be to seeing them.  I thought I might be able to draw them but I wasn't- it didn't work.  I figured since my Grandma told me my Aunt made them when she was little, and they were like a plaster of paris kind of thing (I think they were- I never got close enough to tell) so I'm assuming there has to be other ones made from those same molds, even.  And there was likely more than one of that mold itself made too- so there has to be quite a few of these same clowns floating around the world, albeit painted differently.
    I tried googling different word combinations like "happy sad clown faces" or "decorative plaster clown faces" - and slowly, with my heart pounding, browsed through the images that came up lol.  I saw some similar things but not them.
    I forget what they are called but I bet if I sat down with one of those people who talk with a victim and draw up the robber or rapist's face based on their descriptions- and its always the same big faced, mixed ethnicity dude with a ski hat lol ("Have You Seen This Man?" Yeah I saw him last time you drew him) I would be able to end up with an exact image of The Clowns, because I DO know what they look like.  Idunno its weird.
    So, if you're willing to help me in this mission, here are some ideas.

Same overall concept (can be put on a wall,
somewhat three dimensional, just head no body etc)

The eyebrows and style of this are close enough that  it gives me agida

The bottom frilly things they definitely had,
and the coloring is like this though the faces looked nothing
like these guys

This guys makeup and length of his head is the most
similar thing I've found so far.  I think they had
red hair on the side like this too.  ::shudders::

    If anyone comes across anything in someones house that might be a brother or sister made from the same mold as The Clowns, will you take your phone and snap a picture for me?  Or if you come across anything on the internet, can you put a link to it here in the comments?
    Or if you attended a rummage sale at The Riverdale Presbyterian Church around 1998 and purchased two horrifying clown faces for god knows what reason, will you let me know?

Thanks guys!

Whoops

I forgot about this.  I'll start posting again soon.

100% Fake! I mean REAL!

Yes, this is a spoof video. I made it a couple days ago. Make sure you watch the whole thing. Let me know what you think!

Only Read This If You Care

       Ok so I get that its all trendy and whatever to bash social networking sites like you're above all that shit or whatever- but I don't understand why people are always complaining about Facebook statuses and Twitter updates saying stuff they don't care about.  You know how people are always like "I don't care if you're waiting for the bus!" or "Why do I have to read that you're brushing your teeth??" etc.
      Ok, lets talk about regular daily life off-line for a second.  I can't remember the last time someone told me something in person and I actually gave a shit.  Ok that's an exaggeration and I'm not that much of a douchebag, but the point I'm making still stands.   Why would online be any different?  Like 50% of our waking hours are filled with people saying stuff to you that you don't really care about.  And its way worse than online, because when someone writes a facebook status that you don't care about you can always stop reading it once you realize its not interesting.  In the regular world, you can't stop the person from talking.  And not only that, but you often have to pretend you care when you don't- which can be exhausting sometimes.
    When you're behind a computer you don't have to do any of that, so how annoying can it really be?
    Toughen up, girl scout.
  

MOVE BITCH SLEEPOVER

Child support.

Beauty

      I don't know if I should pursue a career in design or see a psychiatrist, but either way I want to make love to the following inanimate objects:

Sobe Bottles

iPhone Box (The Actual Box)

Almost Any Longboard (But Definitely This One)

      Now I don't mean I'd want to have sex with these objects right now as a human being, you perverts, I mean like if I were also an inanimate object and I happened to see one of the things above at like a bar for inanimate objects, I'd totally slip something in the inanimate object's drink and inanimately f*ck the living shit out of him/her/it.

      Nothing like weird or anything.

      Plus, longboards aren't really inanimate when they're rolling, right?

Sector 9 Tree Barrel Sidewinder Longboard, SoBe Smooth Pina Colada Drink - 20-Fl. Oz. Bottles (Pack of 12)

I Apologize In Advance To All The Chairs In My House

     I discovered www.coolcasters.com when I was sitting on the couch with my laptop.  I was on this website for probably an hour, or some other amount of time that is way too long.
     My girlfriend came upstairs.  I must have had some kind of excited look on my face, because she asked what I was doing and sat down next to me.  She looked at the screen.
     "Wheels!" I said.
     She looked at me, looked back at the screen, looked back at me, smiling and nodding blankly.  She gave me two taps on the head and went back downstairs.
    Wheels!  Different ones.  For things. You put them on. Colors.

ALL BAIT ALL THE TIME

     My favorite show on television is called Bait Car.  Its on TruTV, which is probably also my favorite channel - since I can only tolerate non-fiction television, for whatever reason.

     Bait Car is a show where the police rig a special trick car to catch car thieves.  The Bait Car has hidden cameras on the dashboard (see left,) and it can be controlled remotely. Its fucking awesome.  

     First, they stage a scene where they have the pretend owner of the bait car either leave it running by accident, or leave the keys on the hood or something pretty obvious.  Then, they sit back and wait for someone (usually someone who witnessed the little scene) to come and steal the car after the fake owner leaves.  There are microphones and cameras everywhere, so viewers get to see and hear the guy(s) (sometimes its a woman - but rarely) even when they haven't gotten in the car yet.  They talk about whether they should steal it or not, they try to convince their friend to do it instead, etc, whatever the case may be. Before you know it they are getting in the car.  The dashboard cameras let us see them get all excited about it as they begin driving away.  A few blocks later, the cops start flashing their sirens behind them,  and the thieves start to freak out.  Then, (and this is the best part,) the cops remotely hit a button that not only turns off the car but locks the doors so that the guys can't get out.  Its fucking hilarious.  

     This is extremely entertaining to watch as a show. But, its also a brilliant idea in general (and I'm sure its existed for years prior to being on tv,) because you're catching the same doofuses who would have done this to a real person while sparing the headache and inconvenience of it happening to an innocent person's real car. 

      I think its the best thing ever and I think there should be Bait Cars on every block.  In fact, I think there should be Bait versions of everything.  Bait everything, everywhere.

Here are my ideas:

BAIT STORE:     An electronics store with easily accessible expensive items and one blind employee.  The store exit is a set of automatic doors that lead to a small area for the shopping carts and signage, etc. Then, in this small area, is another set of automatic doors that lead outside to the parking lot. The control room in the back can remotely close both the door to the shopping cart area and the door to the parking lot.  After someone passes the first set of doors with stolen merchandise, both sets of doors close and lock - trapping them in the shopping cart area with the items.  

This little area is important for two reasons: 

1. Legally, one cannot be charged with shoplifting until they leave the store with the stolen things (even if they are stuffing their pockets) because it can't be proven that they didn't have the intention to pay for the items later. (Weird, I know.) 

2. We don't want the thief to make it all the way outside because then the bait team will probably have to run after them. 

So, the shoplifter realizes he can't get out to the parking lot because the door won't open.  He tries to dash back into the store to drop the merch before getting caught, but those doors quickly close and lock too.  Then the outer set begins to open, but closes before he reaches it.  Then the inner ones again.  Since the bait-doorways are disguised as automatic doors with sensors, it should be a while before the thief realizes its being done on purpose.  The more he's made to run back and forth, the better. 

BAIT WALLET:  An undercover officer, as big and heavy of a guy as possible, acts like a tourist in Times Square with his wallet half out of his backpack. The tucked-in side of the Bait Wallet has a 30 foot cord which is attached to a reel in the officer's backpack. A thief grabs the wallet and either runs or tries to disappear into the crowd.  He may or may not have noticed the cord. When he  reaches 20 feet away a device is engaged which releases superglue from the wallet, bonding it to whatever it is touching (thief's hand, thief's pocket.)  Then, when the cord reaches 30 feet, the reel begins to recoil and wind back the other way, dragging the thief back to the undercover officer.  Bam. This sequence should take all of about 30 seconds. 

BAIT HOUSE:  This one is a no-brainer.  There's a gorgeous house with no residents, no locks and a silent alarm, located in a bad neighborhood.  There is at least one hidden camera in each room and all activity is being watched from a remote location. When the thieves enter through any of the doors (or windows) the silent alarm goes off.  30 seconds later all doors and windows quietly lock from the outside AND inside.  While items are being bagged and drawers ransacked, the officers at the remote location hit a button which suddenly turns on the lights in the house and plays a sound clip of a family coming home. The sound is played throughout the house and is expertly designed to be faint and slightly echoey, so, no matter where you are in the house, it sounds like its coming from another location.  Hilarity ensues as the thieves try to escape, running from locked door/window to the next, trying to avoid the elusive fake residents who's location cannot be figured out.  If the robbers are armed, cardboard cut-out figures will pop out from around corners (also controlled by those at the remote location) until all ammunition is wasted and all robbers are thoroughly confused.  The sound recording stops, the lights stay on, and things settle down.  The robbers are left locked in the house for weeks, fending for themselves until the well-stocked kitchen cabinets are bare.  This part will also be a reality show. 

HAUNTED BAIT HOUSE:  A variation on the regular BAIT HOUSE, involving more sound effects and the addition of holograms.  If there is more than one robber, top-notch microphones throughout the house will allow the bait team to eavesdrop on any communication between them in an effort to learn their names. Voice overs for the ghosts will be done live from the remote location so that the ghosts can use the robbers names when speaking to them.  Haunted Bait House will be done in predominantly Hispanic neighborhoods, because Hispanic people hate that spirit shit. 

I think its totally doable.  What do you say, TruTV?

Please feel free to share any Bait ideas of your own in the comments section. TruTV totally reads my blog and considers my highly logical and feasible ideas, so they might consider yours, too.  Who knows. 

Some Cross-Dressers Start Small

Dear Humans: Fighting

   I know this is going to be upsetting for some of you to hear, but after a certain age you are not supposed to physically fight people anymore.
   I'd say the cut-off age is 18.  Maybe, with some slack, 20.
   After that, you handle things either with your words, or with non-fighting actions, or by using the legal system.
   You don't fight them.
   (I'm going to repeat it one more time for all the Long Island lesbians:  After you become an adult, or the age where most other people become adults, YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO FIGHT ANYONE ANYMORE.  Just because you look like a 15 year old boy doesn't mean you should act like one.)

If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to comment.

Love, Juliet